Avoiding Miscommunication

Spell it out with me:

Clear

Open

Mindful

Meaningful

Unites

Notes

Intentional

Concise

Active

Truthful

Informational

Ongoing

Never give up!

Carefully Choosing Labels

In 1996, New York Times reporter Nina Bernstein wrote a story about a hidden chapter in jazz singer Ella Fitzgerald's life, when she was confined for more than a year in a juvenile reformatory as a teenager. Ms. Fitzgerald was reluctant to talk about this part of her life and when she died that same year, much of the story died with her.

But some details are known: Ms. Fitzgerald's stepfather abused her after her mother's death in 1937. An aunt living in Harlem gave 15-year-old Ella shelter, but the girl dropped out of school to make money. After she was found "running numbers," authorities sent her to the Colored Orphan Asylum in Riverdale, New York. The crowded orphanage sent "overflow" children to the state reform school. Ella was one of these.

Sometimes sent to the school simply for running away or truancy, the school's 88 black girls were segregated into two brick "cottages" and disciplined with beatings, solitary confinement with only bread and water to eat, and shackling. The school's English teacher remembered Ms. Fitzgerald as a good student: "I can even visualize her handwriting - she was a perfectionist." The teacher noted that the school had a good music program and was known for its choir, but Ella's voice never graced its concerts. The choir was all white. "We didn't know what we were looking at," the teacher said. "We didn't know that she would be the future Ella Fitzgerald."

Still under 18, Ella was paroled to Chick Webb's band, and less than a year later she won a talent contest at Harlem's Apollo Theater. The school's last superintendent, Thomas Tunney, asked, "How many Ellas are there? She turned out to be absolutely one of a kind. But all of the other children were human beings, too. In that sense, they are all Ellas."

Nina Bernstein ended her article with this question: "If she was almost lost to us, how many like her have been?"

Has a label like "juvenile delinquent" ever been applied to you? Did the label help others see you better or understand you more deeply? Why or why not?

The words we use to describe children have far-reaching impact. Speaking words and labels over children is the same as writing on the slate of their souls. Uplifting labels, such as "smart" and "kind" help children to see the positive aspects of themselves. Negative ones often cause children to live up to expectations.

Many of the children we work with as CASA volunteers have been labeled by their parents and other adults. It's our duty to look very closely at the children we work with and to understand that their precious souls are needy for kind words of encouragement.

You may be working with an "Ella."

A Self-Directed In-Service Option

It's been a while, CASA friends! If you're looking for something to do to get in-service hours, please think about reading the book I'm about to describe.

"One Kid At a Time" was written by Jake Dekker (not his real name) about his experience adopting his son, Danny (also not his real name), from the foster care system. As a CASA volunteer, you will relate to Jake's frustrations, Danny's sad story, and the happy ending that came about because an ordinary man chose to take a chance on a little boy who desperately needed a home.

Some of you may take issue with the fact that Jake is a gay man. I hope you will stay with the story until the end because it's an example of why we as CASA volunteers should not allow our own personal values and biases to get in the way of potential placements. Jake is very clear that he thought long and hard about how his life as a gay man would impact Danny, but in the end, Jake and Danny connected and Jake was able to provide Danny with the father and the home he wanted so much.

Because of his experience, Jake has become a CASA volunteer and an advocate for children who cannot speak up for themselves. That makes him a good guy in my book!!

There are two copies of this book in the CASA Office, but if you'd like to start reading it now, the first four chapters are available online:

http://www.jakedekker.com/books/

To receive in-service credit, track the number of hours it took you to read the book and write a short, two-page essay on the book - answering what the book was about, what information you received that will help you in your CASA work, and how you would have advocated for Danny if you had been his CASA volunteer.

Once you turn in your time sheet and the essay, you will be given credit for your work.

Happy reading!!

CASA is...

CASA is...

- A safe, permanent home, as soon as possible.

- A voice for children who are not in a position to speak for themselves.

- Getting to know some great kids who don't deserve the problems they have faced and letting them know they will no longer have to face those problems alone.

- Concern that you aren't doing enough and frustration that you can't do more.

- Lots of phone calls to people who don't have a clue who you are or why you're calling.

- Knowing the difference between a status hearing, an adjudicatory hearing, and a dispositional hearing.

- Wanting another case, but fearing you are not up to the challenge.

- Giving something back to your community.

- Realizing (yet again) that the world is not black and white and, in spite of that, making a recommendation that will affect the lives of many people.

- Filling up a three-ring binder, and then another, and then another.

- Leaving Claremore at 1:45 p.m. for a 2:30 p.m. hearing in Vinita. Speeding. Then finding out that your case won't be heard until 3:30.

- Gaining a new appreciation for social workers and attorneys and judges.

- Watching a dysfunctional family attempt to heal itself.

- Telling your CASA kids there is an upcoming hearing that may be difficult, and having them ask if you'll be there with them. Telling them you will.

- Realizing that you can make a difference in the life of a child.

- Filling out reports.

- One of the most challenging and rewarding efforts I have ever undertaken.

- Finding a safe, permanent home for kids who deserve a safe, permanent home.

- Unconditional love for kids who have never experienced it.

- Walking the walk after you've talked the talk for too long.

- Facing the fear that you may not be good enough or strong enough or smart enough to actually make a difference.

- Watching a 16-year-old child testify that her parent - who is sitting in the courtroom - has abused or neglected her for years, and beginning to understand the meaning of the word "courage."

- My gift to myself.


Original work by Robert Hendrickson, CASA Volunteer for Bracken, Fleming and Mason Counties in Kentucky. Some wording changed to fit our CASA program.

A Poem From A Foster Youth

OUR CRY
(Foster Children of Today's World)

by Danielle Bush

We are lost, surrounded on all sides by pure darkness

We are alone, with no one to follow

We look up to the sky and we call on our creator

We ask him to guide us to safety

We hear no response so we continue to stand there in the darkness

We put our hands together and close our eyes

We try to think but our minds show us nothing but the darkness our eyes see

We hear a voice in the distance, but we can't understand what it is saying

We try to follow the voice

One by one we are swallowed into the blackness that surrounds us

The voice continues to speak from a distance

There are two children left, they are trying to find the voice

They cry out for help but the response is still unclear

They continue to walk until one of the two children is swallowed

The last child screams into the blackness,

Did you even try to find us or did you just think we would find you? DO you not understand that as we tried to find you the blackness has swallowed us up one by one? Did your heart not tell you to come father to find us? Did you not know that we were blind and could not survive alone? When we needed you the most you let us down. Now we have been swallowed by this blackness and it will be harder to reach us!

THE END

Something to contemplate on a Wednesday morning...

Ten Tips for Effective Parenting

Being a parent is one of the hardest jobs in the world...and sometimes, we are our own worst critics. How many times have you asked yourself, "Am I doing everything I can to be a good parent?"

Here are some strategies you can implement today to increase your effectiveness in the role of parent:

1. Hug your child. Feeling loved and safe helps your child build confidence and a sense of worth. Physical affection is important. Your child also needs to hear, "I love you."

2. Monitor your child. It helps ensure safety and it shows that you care. Young children need to be watched constantly. Play with your child, too. As children get older, know where they are, who they are with, and where they are going. Get to know your child's friends and their parents. Encourage friendships built around healthy interests and values.

3. Notice and reward good behavior. When you give your child praise and attention for good behavior, it encourages more of that behavior. Avoid "rewarding" only bad behavior with your attention.

4. Be consistent. Consistency reassures the child and is an important component of discipline. Set and stick to a regular routine for bedtime, meals, and homework, for example. Always follow through with consequences you've set for unacceptable behavior.

5. Set a good example. Let your child see you putting your values into practice. Be kind, honest, respectful, fair, and hard-working. Handle strong emotions, disagreements or other problems in healthy ways. For example, think before reacting to something your child does. Choose your actions with care.

6. Challenge your child. This helps him or her build confidence and independence. Give the child a chance to try new things, solve problems, and learn from mistakes. Children need responsibilities and goals.

7. Talk with your child. Stay connected and be aware of what the child is thinking, feeling, and doing. Ask about what he or she learned at school and did with friends.

8. Foster good health. Make sure your child gets three healthy meals a day, plenty of sleep, and at least 60 minutes of moderate to vigorous physical activity.

9. Read together. Read to younger children and let older children read to you.

10. Take care of your own mind, body, and spirit. This will help you maintain your energy. Ask for breaks when you need it. Get professional advice on parenting issues when you need to.

We all need to be reminded of these things. Feel free to share these hints and tips with the families you work with.

And Now, Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

I just realized that I have not posted a blog on CASA Chat since May. So much for my pledge to do one post per week!

Please accept my apologies. It's been a little hectic this summer, what with budget cuts, family deaths, and other general excitement. I'm recommitting myself to posting weekly.

Is there something in particular that you'd like to know more about? Just place a comment on the blog and I will get to it.

In the meantime, do you have a CASA case that has a "missing in action" father? Have you tried to find him, or did you think, "Well, if he wanted to be in the child's life, he'd be in the child's life."?

There are lots of reasons fathers may be MIA:

1. Perhaps he has false ideas about what a father's role is. A man may believe that the father's job is limited to providing for the family and handling discipline. He may not realize how much more a father can do for his child.

2. He may not have had time to prepare to be a father. He didn't plan on being a father and he may not feel ready for fatherhood. But, he's helped create a new life and that creates some important responsibilities.

3. He may have had no example from his own father. Perhaps he never really knew his own father, either because his father wasn't around or was emotionally distant. These fathers are on a course to repeat the pattern with their own children.

4. He may sense that he's not needed. Fathers may feel that the mother can meet all of the child's emotional needs, which we know isn't true. Children need loving support from their fathers, as well.

5. Perhaps he went through a difficult divorce or breakup. When two people separate, bitter feelings often result. If the mother gets custody, the father may decide it's less painful to avoid the whole situation.

Oftentimes, fathers who are MIA are non-offending parents who can raise and care for their children. And sometimes, they aren't. Finding them and discovering what services they need to be a good parent is the correct approach for CASA volunteers. Permanent solutions can result.

We'll talk more about this in the coming weeks.