It's long been held that those who engage in spousal abuse have anger issues that cause them to act in a violent, out-of-control manner. Although the actions of the abuser can, indeed, be violent, it is a mistake to think that he or she is out-of-control. In fact, domestic violence is all about control - the abuser controlling his or her victim. Please note that for the remainder of this article, we shall use the pronoun "she" to describe the victim for the purposes of brevity, but both males and females can be victims of domestic violence.
Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate and exert their power:
Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel "in charge" of the relationship. They will make decisions for her and the family, tell her what to do, and expect her to obey without question. The abuser may treat the victim like a servant, child, or even as a possession.
Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he can to make her feel bad about herself or defective in some way. After all, if she believes she is worthless and that no one else will want to be in a relationship with her, she's less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode her self-esteem and make her feel powerless.
Isolation – In order to increase her dependence on him, an abusive partner will cut her off from the outside world. He may keep her from seeing family or friends, or even prevent her from going to work or school. She may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. The abuser may threaten to hurt or kill her, the children, other family members, or even pets. He may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against her, or report her to child services.
Intimidation – The abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare her into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of her, destroying property, hurting her pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if she doesn't obey, there will be violent consequences.
Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. The abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He will commonly shift the responsibility on to her: Somehow, his violent and abusive behavior is her fault.
As a CASA volunteer, it is important to educate yourself regarding the dynamics of domestic violence. It is rare for a batterer (and sometimes even the victim) to acknowledge that spousal abuse occurs in their home. Knowing the signs and symptoms is important, as is using caution and good judgment when dealing with parents who either are or have been in an abusive relationship.
The progress of the parents on your caseload is much less about what is SAID, and more about what is DONE. Actions, not intentions, often tell the tale.
Children cannot live in a violent environment. The statistics regarding the effects of violence on a child's development are well-documented in a number of studies. When children are involved, reunification with one or both of the parents can only occur when the violent relationship is ended. Intensive treatment for both the batterer and the victim are a must.
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